Evaluations Masquerading as Feelings

Differentiating between feelings and evaluations of what others are doing.
For example, when I say, "I feel criticized by you." I am probably telling you my interpretation of your conduct. And further I am probably suggesting you are doing something to me with a connotation of wrongness or blame. Instead, I would prefer to focus on which of my needs I am concerned will not be met by what you said or did and, how I am feeling as a result. The following might be suggestions intended as an aid to get to the feeling and needs that are behind these kinds of evaluation words.

WHEN YOU SAY: WHAT MIGHT YOU BE FEELING? WHAT MIGHT YOU BE NEEDING?
Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring
Abused Angry, frustrated, frightened Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration, need for all living things to flourish
Attacked Scared, angry Safety
Belittled Angry, frustrated, tense, distressed Respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation
Betrayed Angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged Trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity
Blamed Angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt Accountability, causality, fairness, justice
Cheated Resentful, hurt, angry Honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability
Coerced Angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared Choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely
Cornered Angry, scared, anxious, thwarted, Autonomy, freedom
Criticized In pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication
Harassed Angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened Respect, space, consideration, peace
Hassled Irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space
Ignored Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation
Insulted Angry, embarrassed Respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition
Intimidated Scared, anxiety Safety, equality, empowerment
Invalidated Angry, hurt, resentful Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, recognition
Invisible Sad, angry, lonely, scared To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community
Isolated Lonely, afraid, scared Community, inclusion, belonging, ;contribution
Left out Sad, lonely, anxious Inclusion, belonging, community, connection
Let down Sad, disappointed, frightened Consistency, trust, dependability, consistency
Manipulated Angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness
Mistrusted Sad, angry Trust
Misunderstood Upset, angry, frustrated To be heard, understanding, clarity
Neglected Lonely, scared Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration
Patronized Angry, frustrated, resentful Recognition, equality, respect, mutuality
Pressured Anxious, resentful, overwhelmed Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration
Provoked Angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful Respect, consideration
Put down Angry, sad, embarrassed Respect, acknowledgment, understanding
Rejected Hurt, scared, angry, defiant Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection
Ripped off/screwed Angry, resentment, disappointment Consideration, justice, fairness, acknowledgement, trust
Smothered/Suffocated Frustrated, fear, desperation Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression
Taken for granted Sad, angry, hurt, disappointment Appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration
Threatened Scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant Safety, autonomy
Unappreciated Angry, frustrated, hurt, frustrated Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration
Unheard Sad, hostile, frustrated Understanding, consideration, empathy
Unloved Sad, bewildered, frustrated Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community
Unseen Sad, anxious, frustrated Acknowledgment, appreciation, to be heard
Unsupported Sad, hurt, resentful Support, understanding
Unwanted Sad, anxious, frustrated Belonging, inclusion, caring
Used Sad, angry, resentful Autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality
Victimized Frightened, helpless Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice
Violated Sad, agitated, anxiety Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect
Wronged Angry, hurt, resentful, irritated Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness
© 2003 Ike Lasater, www.wordsthatwork.us