Evaluations Masquerading as Feelings

Differentiating between feelings and evaluations of what others are doing.
For example, when I say, "I feel criticized by you." I am probably telling you my interpretation of your conduct. And further I am probably suggesting you are doing something to me with a connotation of wrongness or blame. Instead, I would prefer to focus on which of my needs I am concerned will not be met by what you said or did and, how I am feeling as a result. The following might be suggestions intended as an aid to get to the feeling and needs that are behind these kinds of evaluation words.

WHEN YOU SAY: WHAT MIGHT YOU BE FEELING? WHAT MIGHT YOU BE NEEDING?

Abandoned Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring

Abused Angry, frustrated, frightened Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration, need for all living things to flourish

Attacked Scared, angry Safety

Belittled Angry, frustrated, tense, distressed Respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation

Betrayed Angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged Trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity

Blamed Angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt Accountability, causality, fairness, justice

Cheated Resentful, hurt, angry Honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability

Coerced Angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared Choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely

Cornered Angry, scared, anxious, thwarted, Autonomy, freedom

Criticized In pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication

Harassed Angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened Respect, space, consideration, peace

Hassled Irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space

Ignored Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation

Insulted Angry, embarrassed Respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition

Intimidated Scared, anxiety Safety, equality, empowerment

Invalidated Angry, hurt, resentful Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, recognition

Invisible Sad, angry, lonely, scared To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community

Isolated Lonely, afraid, scared Community, inclusion, belonging, ;contribution

Left out Sad, lonely, anxious Inclusion, belonging, community, connection

Let down Sad, disappointed, frightened Consistency, trust, dependability, consistency

Manipulated Angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness

Mistrusted Sad, angry Trust

Misunderstood Upset, angry, frustrated To be heard, understanding, clarity

Neglected Lonely, scared Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration

Patronized Angry, frustrated, resentful Recognition, equality, respect, mutuality

Pressured Anxious, resentful, overwhelmed Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration

Provoked Angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful Respect, consideration

Put down Angry, sad, embarrassed Respect, acknowledgment, understanding

Rejected Hurt, scared, angry, defiant Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection

Ripped off/screwed Angry, resentment, disappointment Consideration, justice, fairness, acknowledgement, trust

Smothered/Suffocated Frustrated, fear, desperation Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression

Taken for granted Sad, angry, hurt, disappointment Appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration

Threatened Scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant Safety, autonomy

Unappreciated Angry, frustrated, hurt, frustrated Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration

Unheard Sad, hostile, frustrated Understanding, consideration, empathy

Unloved Sad, bewildered, frustrated Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community

Unseen Sad, anxious, frustrated Acknowledgment, appreciation, to be heard

Unsupported Sad, hurt, resentful Support, understanding

Unwanted Sad, anxious, frustrated Belonging, inclusion, caring

Used Sad, angry, resentful Autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality

Victimized Frightened, helpless Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice

Violated Sad, agitated, anxiety Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect

Wronged Angry, hurt, resentful, irritated Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness

© 2003 Ike Lasater, www.wordsthatwork.us

WHEN YOU SAY:	WHAT MIGHT YOU BE FEELING?	WHAT MIGHT YOU BE NEEDING?
Abandoned	Terrified, hurt, bewildered, sad, frightened, lonely	Nurturing, connection, belonging, support, caring
Abused	Angry, frustrated, frightened	Caring, nurturing, support, emotional or physical wellbeing, consideration, need for all living things to flourish
Attacked	Scared, angry	Safety
Belittled	Angry, frustrated, tense, distressed	Respect, autonomy, to be seen, acknowledgment, appreciation
Betrayed	Angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged	Trust, dependability, honesty, honor, commitment, clarity
Blamed	Angry, scared, confused, antagonistic, hostile, bewildered, hurt	Accountability, causality, fairness, justice
Cheated	Resentful, hurt, angry	Honesty, fairness, justice, trust, reliability
Coerced	Angry, frustrated, frightened, thwarted, scared	Choice, autonomy, freedom, act freely, choose freely
Cornered	Angry, scared, anxious, thwarted,	Autonomy, freedom
Criticized	In pain, scared, anxious, frustrated, humiliated, angry, embarrassed	Understanding, acknowledgement, recognition, accountability, non-judgmental communication
Harassed	Angry, frustrated, pressured, frightened	Respect, space, consideration, peace
Hassled	Irritated, distressed, angry, frustrated	Serenity, autonomy, do things at my own pace and in my own way, calm, space
Ignored	Lonely, scared, hurt, sad, embarrassed	Connection, belonging, inclusion, community, participation
Insulted	Angry, embarrassed	Respect, consideration, acknowledgment, recognition
Intimidated	Scared, anxiety	Safety, equality, empowerment
Invalidated	Angry, hurt, resentful	Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, recognition
Invisible	Sad, angry, lonely, scared	To be seen and heard, inclusion, belonging, community
Isolated	Lonely, afraid, scared	Community, inclusion, belonging, ;contribution
Left out	Sad, lonely, anxious	Inclusion, belonging, community, connection
Let down	Sad, disappointed, frightened	Consistency, trust, dependability, consistency
Manipulated	Angry, scared, powerless, thwarted, frustrated	Autonomy, empowerment, trust, equality, freedom, free choice, connection, genuineness
Mistrusted	Sad, angry	Trust
Misunderstood	Upset, angry, frustrated	To be heard, understanding, clarity
Neglected	Lonely, scared	Connection, inclusion, participation, community, care, mattering, consideration
Patronized	Angry, frustrated, resentful	Recognition, equality, respect, mutuality
Pressured	Anxious, resentful, overwhelmed	Relaxation, clarity, space, consideration
Provoked	Angry, frustrated, hostile, antagonistic, resentful	Respect, consideration
Put down	Angry, sad, embarrassed	Respect, acknowledgment, understanding
Rejected	Hurt, scared, angry, defiant	Belonging, inclusion, closeness, to be seen, acknowledgment, connection
Ripped off/screwed	Angry, resentment, disappointment	Consideration, justice, fairness, acknowledgement, trust
Smothered/Suffocated	Frustrated, fear, desperation	Space, freedom, autonomy, authenticity, self expression
Taken for granted	Sad, angry, hurt, disappointment	Appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition, consideration
Threatened	Scared, frightened, alarmed, agitated, defiant	Safety, autonomy
Unappreciated	Angry, frustrated, hurt, frustrated	Appreciation, respect, acknowledgement, consideration
Unheard	Sad, hostile, frustrated	Understanding, consideration, empathy
Unloved	Sad, bewildered, frustrated	Love, appreciation, empathy, connection, community
Unseen	Sad, anxious, frustrated	Acknowledgment, appreciation, to be heard
Unsupported	Sad, hurt, resentful	Support, understanding
Unwanted	Sad, anxious, frustrated	Belonging, inclusion, caring
Used	Sad, angry, resentful	Autonomy, equality, consideration, mutuality
Victimized	Frightened, helpless	Empowerment, mutuality, safety, justice
Violated	Sad, agitated, anxiety	Privacy, safety, trust, space, respect
Wronged	Angry, hurt, resentful, irritated	Respect, justice, trust, safety, fairness